48 + Ponderings

Forty-eight cycles that is... forty-eight cycles of trying to have a baby.  It's strange to think about that!  I guess if I had them, once a month, that comes out to four years... although really it hasn't been that long.  It's only been just over three and a half years, but still... forty-eight. 

I was just talking with a friend today about our cycles.  I told her that I don't really know how to feel when a new one starts.  Relieved because it means I can make it through teaching during the winter semester?  Sad because I know that once again, another month has gone by when I haven't gotten pregnant?  I don't really know.  I don't expect to get pregnant anymore.  It sometimes makes me chuckle when I suddenly start wondering [based on what turns out to just be symptoms of PMS] if I might actually be pregnant this month. 

There are so many questions with infertility.  So many things that come up.  Doubts.  Fears.  Wondering.  Before we accepted our first placement, I remember walking down the street with my dear hubby and talking about what if we didn't have children, and it was just the two of us.  We talked about how we would downsize our house.  How we could pay off debts sooner.  What vacations we might take.  It wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.

But is that what God has for us?  And how do you know if it is?

Some could argue that doctors were given medical knowledge about fertility and fertility treatments to be able to help people conceive.  And that as long is it doesn't go against something in the Bible, that it is a logical thing to pursue.  When we have mentioned to people that we have been having trouble getting pregnant, the predictable question people usually follow up with is "have you had any fertility treatments done?"  Well, I should say that it's either that or "have you had testing done to find out why?" 

I don't know if it is easier or harder to be in the circumstance we are in of being told we should have no problem conceiving, and yet we cannot.  I don't know if having a specific reason would be easier because then at least you can answer others questions about why you cannot have kids.  But yet to know that you or your spouse has something that is causing the infertility, I don't know the ramifications of that on a marriage either... it seems like that might be harder, knowing you having something causing the infertility.

I do know that right now, I feel like we are doing what we should be doing with having these two children in our home.  But since they will be [or at least everything is pointing towards] returning home in the fall, it almost brings up more questions in our mind.  We have now tasted parenting and having children.  We've experienced the joys, the love, the inconvenience, the sleepless nights, and grumpy mornings.  Yeah, I know we haven't experienced it all, but we have experienced a lot.  But we actually have the option [unlike most parents] to go back to just being us, just being Tim and I [and lots of critters].  Is it selfish of me to just want to go back to that?  Would I regret it later, knowing how long I've just wanted to be a mama, because I'd be basically turning my back on that opportunity? 

What is the reason for having children?  I know the Bible says that children are a blessing, and it talks about having a quiver full.  But really I guess I haven't really studied this. 

Well, that's my late night ponderings and thoughts... sleep well.. at least I hope to now that I've gotten my thoughts out a little.