Bittersweet

A friend of mine, dare I even say perhaps my best girlfriend, gave birth yesterday.  She had a healthy little girl.  I am so happy for them, so excited for the new life they are celebrating and their new life as three instead of two.  Such a sweet time for them and I'm happy they let me share in some of it.

But I am also heart-broken.  To receive the call last night, "I'm a mama" makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to make the same calls, if I'll ever be the one who everyone is waiting to hear from to find out that a child has been born. 

Even if we adopt, I won't be able to say those words until after the child has been in our home for a while, after I've already been acting as their mama, perhaps even being called that name by them, before it's official.  I feel like I won't ever have the opportunity to make the same call to all my friends and family.

I was talking with my hubby on the way home from work last night, after we found out their good news.  I mentioned that I can't help but think about what could have been, and he corrected me and said what should have been.  But what's sad is that there are many times it seems like it never was.

I can't help but question everything right now.  Are we ever going to get pregnant again?  Is it worth hoping each month?  Should we wait until we don't have to think about exams and papers anymore before pursuing foster care?  Should we even be pursing it at all?  Are we instead supposed to just be the two of us?

I'm have a hard time seeing the puzzle God is creating from all these pieces.