Most days are good. Most days I remember that our infertility was not caused by other's fertility. And I'm excited for the babies that are coming to my friends' families... but some days are hard.
It's hard not to think about that we should be decorating a nursery, not fixing the light so I can continue sewing a baby blanket for someone else. We should have been able to register for a car seat, sippy cups, bedding, a crib, not having to figure out where in our budget we will find the money to get these things ourselves in order to be licensed for foster care. We shouldn't be having to go to these PRIDE trainings required for fostering and adopting, we should be able to parent our own children without someone telling us if we spank we are in violation of their policies [not that I'm saying spanking is the end all to discipline, but regardless of how we feel, it's mandated we don't do it]. I should have a big belly, feeling kicks and being able to complain how uncomfortable I am instead of exercising every day trying to get rid of my [non-baby] belly. I should have be having a shower instead of planning the next church shower...
And then I came home and the radio was still on even though no one was listening. Focus on the Family had just finished and Chuck Swindoll was coming on, talking about Job. He was talking about how Job's attitude was when all of this affliction was happening. How his response was,
“You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
[Job 2:10 NIV]
God gives, and God takes away, but that doesn't change that God is still good. Just because we loose something that we think we deserved or had a right to [the pregnancy in our case] doesn't mean that God no longer sits on his throne, no longer has complete control over everything, or no longer knows what's best for our life...And so even when it's hard, God is still good. And I need to remember this.
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